Interior de-whine: 7 tips for a pet-unfriendly home

Welcome back, students. In our last session, I taught you how to be a highly irritating dog walker. I’m glad to see that you refuse to stop there. I can tell that you love to learn. Or that you just love to be annoying. Either way, you’re in luck. It’s time for another free lesson.

Today’s topic? Creating a pet-unfriendly home. I know I’ve read a ton of articles about pet-friendly decor. It seems like the discussion has been a bit one-sided thus far, however. Where is the advice for people who don’t want to create a pet-friendly home? Won’t anyone help those who want to make their homes as unsuited to living with a pet as possible?

Never fear. Today, I am unleashing (pun intended and also a lesson from our first seminar) my inner Vern Yip (no pun needed). There’s no reason you should sacrifice your style for your pets. Make them accommodate you instead.

Judge E. Dog

Professor Judge E. Dog returns…

Decorating can be an overwhelming task, but these seven easy tips will help you get started. By implementing a few changes, you can easily create a space that is impractical and will make pets feel unwelcome. As a bonus, many of these tips will confuse your friends and make your home unsuitable for children too. Alienating animals and people has never been easier!

  1. Refuse to use gates (or closed doors) to keep your pets out of areas that contain more expensive pieces or that might house unaddressed hazards (like long drapery cords or electrical wires). Obviously, you should treat your dog like the fully-functioning adult you wish she was, even if she really thinks eating poop sounds like a great idea.
  2. Place breakable items at a very low level. If possible, perch them precariously on the edge of wobbly furniture. (If you have a cat, mantels are great choices as well.) To really take your decor up a notch, bust out the tape measure. Once you know the exact height of your dog’s wagging tail, place your most priceless heirlooms at precisely that level.
  3. Dog and cat toys can create unsightly clutter. Unless your pet can be trusted to neatly put his toys away when he’s done with them, you probably just shouldn’t give him any. I’m sure he can find something else appropriate to chew on that you won’t miss too much.
  4. The right plant can really tie a room together. Although some can be toxic to pets, don’t check to find out which ones are. You should get what you want, and tell your pet to just keep her paws (and tongue) off. (The same goes for cleaning products. It’s your house, right?)
  5. Listen, it’s a little-known secret that dogs and cats don’t have to shed. They just do it to be jerks. They know you’ll clean up after them. (Cats are especially guilty of this tactic – in a cat’s eyes, he’s Lord Grantham and you’re part of the downstairs staff.) Don’t give in to their little power plays. Refuse to clean up those fur tumbleweeds and engage in a game of housekeeping chicken with your pet. Eventually, His Catship will get tired of the mess and simply stop shedding.
  6. In that same vein, choose fabrics that attract pet hair and are hard to clean. In fact, if you could find a material that would be ruined by a single drop of dog drool, that would be ideal. Avoid anything containing the words “stain-resistant” or “easy to clean” in the product description.
  7. Which door do your pets use most often? If muddy paws pass most frequently through a specific door, spice up that area with an expensive cream rug. Place a welcome mat outside, and remind your pet to wipe his feet before he runs back into the house. It shouldn’t be that hard to convince him to do so.

Believe it or not, it’s that easy. I’d like to open the discussion up to the class, however. Do you have any additional tips for creating a pet-unfriendly home? Share them in the comments!

Isn’t learning fun?

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14 thoughts on “Interior de-whine: 7 tips for a pet-unfriendly home

  1. And by all means, if you do decide to go for the really, rather smart looking decorative iron gate, make sure there is just enough space between the bars for your equally decorative pet to get his/her head caught as he pushes through vainly attempting to establish something real and feeling between you and him that goes beyond skillful accessorizing!

    Great post! Love satire!

  2. Hahahahaha! I don’t think I can come up with anything more brilliant than what you have here. Love the measuring tape at tail height. We have a rule in our house, if it’s on the floor, it’s fair game for the dog. So I guess a un-friendly pet rule would be to make sure to leave all socks, books, and electronic devices on the ground. Pets never put random objects in their mouths, after all. ;-)

  3. Just came across this post as a result of the Pet Blogger Challenge – this is a great (and very entertaining) post! I love sarcasm – this was meant to be sarcastic, right ;-)

    Having treated many of the results of unintentional pet poisonings, I would suggest that if people really want to create an unfriendly pet environment – and, in fact, one that could prove downright deadly – they can just leave their bags (purses, backpacks, diaper bags, etc.) on the floor or the sofa, or even the back of a chair or doorknob. There’s always all manner of toxins and other hazards lurking in our bags – and why bother to take the simple step of hanging such bags on coat hooks/racks or in closets, when one can just toss it on the nearest piece of furniture or carpet and let the family pet figure out what’s safe to eat and what’s not ;-)

    Great post, thanks for it :-) Keep up the great work!

    Best,
    Jason
    The Preventive Vet recently posted..Third Annual Pet Blogger Challenge

    • Haha… yes, definitely sarcastic. ;)

      Oh, that’s a great tip to ad to the list! You’re right. It’s so taxing to have to actually put your bags away. And as a bonus, your house will look messy too!

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