Bonus points if you know the inspiration for this post title. If you do, we were so meant to be besties. (For double bonus points, do you know which TV show also referenced that movie recently? It’s a good show. Add it to your DVR.)
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Today, I read a story that left my eye twitching with barely controlled rage. Prepare to experience a similar ocular fury… this story manages to hit multiple rage buttons at the same time.
(Before we dive in, I want to let you know that the story has a happy ending. That fact may keep your despair at bay, although it likely won’t dampen your anger.)
So, there’s this guy – let’s call him Moron – who thought he saw his male dog trying to hump another male dog. When confronted with this situation, what would you do?
I would probably laugh (after making sure that no dogs were getting angry about being on the receiving end of things) while distracting the humper to give the humpee a break. Isn’t that one of the dirty little secrets of having a dog, after all? Our dogs hump things, and they usually don’t seem to care whether the thing being humped is male, female, or even a dog. (Legs, stuffed animals, slippers… It’s all fair game to some dogs.) It’s not a sexual thing. It’s a perfectly natural canine behavior.
Well, it appears that Moron missed that day in Having a Dog 101, and he didn’t even bother to get the notes from a fellow student. Instead, faced with this scene, Moron had a reaction that is astounding in its ignorance and stupidity. Moron decided that he didn’t want a “gay dog.”
Get over your pearl clutching, Moron. First of all, as I mentioned above… humping another male dog does not mean that the dog is gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that). It’s just something dogs do. I have a feeling that almost every dog would qualify as “gay” under Moron’s definition. And even if he is? Who gives a… crap? (I’m trying to keep it clean, folks, but it sure isn’t easy.) It happens sometimes. Mother Nature’s cool like that.
Anyway, Moron decided that the only way to address this abominable behavior was the nuclear option. He dropped the dog off at a kill shelter. Let that sink in for a second. A kill shelter. Moron would rather send his dog to death row rather than have a “gay dog.” As Veronica Sawyer would say, “It’s one thing to want someone out of your life, but it’s another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.” Way to go straight for the liquid drainer, Moron.
So, Moron is a terrible excuse for a human being because he’s a bigot. (I refuse to call it homophobia… what exactly is there to be afraid of?) On top of that, Moron is an ignorant jerk who drops his dog off at a kill shelter.
I’m going to skip to the end of this story (but you can read more here). The plight of Moron’s dog (now named Elton) made its way to Facebook. It was shared by many people, and the dog was saved before his life was tragically cut short. At least that’s one silver lining to this otherwise infuriating cloud.
So, in solidarity with Elton, I’d like to dedicate this post to all of the “gay dogs” I’ve loved before. Bella has humped more than a few dogs in her day, both male and female. (Including one of my dad’s female dogs that is significantly taller than her.) She goes both ways, I guess. A friend’s dog once violated my Garfield slippers. He gets to check the boxes for both interspecies and stuffed animal fetishes. To every dog that has ever humped a leg, if the leg belonged to a human of the same gender… I salute you.
Finally, I’d like to make special mention of my dearly departed Scotti. Ever the sexual adventurer, she violated more teddy bears than I can count (and a female dog or two along the way). I’m pretty sure those teddy bears were all girls too.
Somewhere, I also have a photo of Scotti wearing a toy stethoscope. (If I find it, I’ll add it to this post.) That photo just goes to show you… I guess I always wanted to believe that it doesn’t matter if you’re a female, if you’re into other girls, or (apparently) if you’re a dog, you can do anything you want. Even be a dog doctor. (You know, a doctor that is a dog, rather than a doctor who takes care of dogs.)
So, to recap: Dogs like to hump all the things. It’s normal and natural. I cannot stop quoting Heathers. Moron is a pitiful example of humanity (and ignorant to boot). Don’t be like Moron. Elton is (I hope) on his way to a better life with a person actually worthy of a dog’s love. I love my dead gay dog, my living gay dog, and all the other “gay dogs” out there.