I bet you didn’t think dogs could write headlines. This post will seriously change your mind.

Last night, I was watching TV (a rerun of The Mindy Project, if you must know – seriously, though… how great is The Mindy Project?).  My local news ran a preview during one of the commercial breaks, as is wont to happen.

In the span of thirty seconds, they delivered one of those “X happened – and you won’t believe what happened next!” headlines. So… basically, it felt like I was watching some sort of Upworthy network. (Maybe they just used this handy headline generator?)

Listen, I know that this sort of sensationalized teaser is nothing new.

(Fun fact: I still say “is it peas?” on what seems to be a weekly basis.)

However, cramming two of those similarly constructed headlines into one short preview was more than I could bear.  It was (almost) as bad as the time that I saw this on the Huffington Post:

Journalism! via wantmorepuppies.com

Yeah… that happened.

You can’t put emoticons in your headlines. You just can’t, HuffPo. Get it together.

Anyway… today’s post is inspired by the Judgy Bear stare and epic amounts of shade I directed at my television last night.  In an attempt to make the best of a dumb situation, I present to you… Dogworthy headlines. Just imagine them being delivered to you by Walter Cronkbite, Dan Cather, or Barbara Pawlters:

  • Fido sniffed a fire hydrant – you won’t believe what happened when he tried to pee on it.
  • I used to hate going to the vet. Then I saw this powerful video by a celebrity dog.
  • Some call it bath time. We call it freedom’s worst enemy.
  • This dog’s family named him Rover. Then they found out just how fitting that name was.
  • You will shudder when you see what this Corgi’s person made him wear.
  • A flea bit Fifi on the leg. It ended up changing her life for the better.
  • Peanut thought that finally catching her tail would solve all of her problems. If only she’d known what would really happen.
  • You never thought a cat could inspire a dog. This video will change your mind.

You’re welcome, canine journalists.  I’m totally helping you take it to the next level. Instant click bait. It’s the human equivalent of “squirrel!”

I’m seriously tempted to start using Dogworthy titles on all of my posts, just to see what happens. I’ll try to resist.  If I cave in, I promise to give myself a Judgy Bear Stare in the mirror every now and then.  You have my word.

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Tonight we’re gonna party like we’re ninety-nine canines…

It’s that time again… here’s your weekly linkage:

  1. First up, your punny pet name:  Cyndi Pawper.
  2. Did you know that you can take your dog stand up paddleboarding? Hey Love Designs tells all. (Tavish the water hater would like you to know that he does not approve this message.)
  3. Dear everyone – please throw this party for me. (It’s totally for adults too, right? I’m so cool. I’ll just keep telling myself that.)
  4. Also, please invite these adorable creatures to said party.
  5. Oh, and these kittens too!  (The costumes are not optional.) Best party ever.

Even though I shared the water thing above, please don’t get the wrong idea. We take care of our aquaphobic friends – at Tavish’s request, water balloons will not be allowed at the party.  (He’s already hired a bouncer and everything.)

Also, contrary to the request of our feline guests, owl burritos will not be on the menu.

That’s all for today, my friends. In case you missed it, here’s what we were up to on the blog this week:

Until next time… stay dry!

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This is how we moo it

As I try to get back into the blogging groove, I thought I’d try to resurrect the Friday linkage as well. I didn’t have the motivation to come up with a theme today, so you’re getting a hodgepodge. Let’s get to it.

via giphy.com

  1. First up, your punny pet names: Chick Vitale, Hendy Kaling, and Mooey Deschanel. (Okay, the last one is really more of a punny cow name… and the middle one also has a farm association. Bear with me – I’m easing back in here.)
  2. A Pun-Off? I can’t believe I didn’t know about this before.
  3. Seriously, give me all the puns.
  4. If I ever get written up at work, I hope that it’s for this reason and this reason alone. I now have something to aspire too.
  5. Listen, this blog is not just fun – it’s educational. Please allow these twenty adorable animals to teach you the facts about Ebola.
  6. This blog is literary too. We tackle the great authors, after all.

Finally, I give you today’s video:

It was the glasses. I couldn’t resist.

In case you missed it, here’s what we were up to on the blog this week:

Have a great weekend, friends!

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The legend of Puppy Stampede

Once upon a time*, a blogger in need of a break took a trip to Las Vegas with her bestie.  These two intrepid friends made the arduous** journey to the desert in order to meet some musical royalty. As they navigated the byzantine maze that was their hotel, the blogger spotted a slot machine with an intriguing title:

Puppy Stampede via wantmorepuppies.com

You can’t make this stuff up.

Puppy. Freaking. Stampede.  Continue reading

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I’m getting mutton for Christmas

These past few weeks, I’ve found myself revisiting some of my favorite Bella memories. Remembering all of her wonderful quirks makes me smile, even if that smile is often (okay, always) through some tears. In any event, I thought I’d share a few of these as I try to get back into the blog.

Today’s tale has it all – mystery, comedy… and even MURDER.

It was a cold night. Presents were stacked under the unlit Christmas tree. In the corner of my mother-in-law’s living room, a ceramic assembly gathered around an empty crib, quietly awaiting the arrival of the porcelain Savior. Faux-human and faux-animal alike, they patiently kept watch, anticipating the moment that the giant hand would place the baby in the miniature manger.  Distracted by the imminent miracle, they failed to notice that one of their own was missing.

He wasn’t the fanciest sheep, nor the prettiest one. In fact, they never knew how he became a part of the flock. He was always there, but he was undeniably different. The leader of the flock accepted him without question, and the others followed like… well, like sheep. (Just calling ‘em like I see ‘em.)

That fateful night, the plastic sheep found himself separated from the ceramic flock. As he faced down the giant she-beast, he knew that he would not see the Nativity storage container ever again. Although she did not usually devour miniature figurines, his plastic scent was too much to resist that night.

Later, in the harsh light of Christmas morning, the crime scene revealed itself. Crumbs of plastic sheep littered the manger. It didn’t take a world-class detective to discover the culprit – after all, the small brown and white dog happily pooping out pieces of plastic sheep didn’t seem too ashamed of her heinous act.

Bella's Mugshot - wantmorepuppies.com

The face of a smooth criminal…

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Living on the hedge(hog)

It’s time for another installment of your Friday linkage…

  1. First up, your punny pet name: Kenny Hedgehoggins.
  2. Speaking of the king of 80s movie soundtracks, the world needs an all-hedgehog production of Footloose, don’t you think?
  3. This hedgehog seems to be inspired by a different movie legend – Ricky Bobby.
  4. I cannot resist a snaggletooth. I simply can’t.
  5. You know what else I can’t resist? An adorable animal odd couple involving a hedgehog and a kitten.
  6. I call this one “leave it to hedgehog.”

Finally, I give you today’s video. This hedgehog is on a highway to the danger zone, but I’m not sure he’ll get there anytime soon.

That video is a total hole in one. (Sorry, I needed to work in some sort of Caddyshack reference, but I ran out of ideas.)

via giphy.com

Finally, in case you missed it, here’s what was happening on the blog this past week:

Happy Friday! Get out there and enjoy your weekend!

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It’s a hard blog life, for us…

Instead of posting, I just sit. Instead of writing, my brain just quits. It’s a hard blog life.

Friends, it’s been too long. I wish I could tell you that I’ve been productive during my unintentional blogging hiatus.

via giphy.com

However, while I did manage to take a real vacation (woohoo!) and attend a surprise anniversary party for my in-laws, I can’t say that I’ve been a paragon of productivity. (Although I do have a few canine capers to share with you in the coming weeks.) Continue reading

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Trend report: What’s the hottest new clothing brand for dogs?

It’s probably an April Fool’s joke, but I’d totally shop at a store called American Beagle Outfitters. I make it a personal goal to patronize pun-loving establishments.

While we’re at it, I demand punny versions of other clothing stores. Coming soon to a mall near you (if I get my way):

  • Labercrombie & Bitch
  • Barneys Mew York
  • Sheddie Bower
  • Groomingdale’s
  • J. Mew
  • Johnston and Purrphy
  • Neiman Barkus

Are you listening, American Eagle? I have a feeling that American Beagle Outfitters would actually turn out to be pretty profitable. Have you realized how many crazy dog people are out there? (Present company included, of course.)

someecards.com - Having a pet is the reason I only spend 97% of the day thinking about myself.

via someecards.com

Get on it, AE… blaze that trail and usher in a new era of punny pet apparel stores.

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5 bad jokes to tell your dog

I warn you – the jokes below might make you giggle, but they’ll probably make your dog (and possibly any other people around you) groan. Potential for groaning increases exponentially in relation to the number of times you tell said joke.

However, they might make you giggle every time. That’s what counts, right? Continue reading

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